More movies, more writing: 1/15/10

I love movies. I also love breasts. I probably love movies (and breasts) more so than the average person, hence the birth of this blog. Sometimes I get too caught up in the grind of day-to-day life/work to where I don't get to watch as much as I want or should. While there are always resolutions about losing weight and quitting bad habits at the start of a new year, I have made it a goal for 2010 to watch more movies and spend more time writing about them. I took this idea from an online critic whom I admire, and used it as an excuse to just motivate myself to WRITE on a daily basis.

This is not a blog about breasts


GHOULIES (DVD, 1985)



Wow. What a weird fucking movie. I don’t know whether to commend GHOULIES for being so bizarre, or absolutely hate on it for being the heaping pile of shit that it is. Regardless, they don’t make em’ like this anymore. This is vintage 1985. At a time when studios were scrambling to get anything out that resembled GREMLINS, this is a fascinating and extremely arduous look at how trying to cash-in can go wrong real fast.

So, if my trying to block this movie out of my memory serves correctly, GHOULIES begins with a really low budget human sacrifice scene. You’ve got all of the ingredients here: a ritual leader with a horned-hat, an alter to put babies on, and a bunch of followers in white robes chanting alongside rubber muppets. Tis true, our “ghoulies” really have no air of mystery about them. There’s no build-up to their reveal, no feeding them after midnight, they’re just sort of already on the scene. You would think the little monsters would be the most ludicrous element of this opening sequence, but you would be wrong. That honor goes to the leader of this little wannabe-cult. In most movies you try to establish the ritual leader as a supreme badass—someone all of the followers don’t want to fuck with; a guy who pulls your still-beating heart from your chest before it bursts into flames. In GHOULIES we get Michael Des Barres—one of the former lead singers of the 80’s band THE POWER STATION. His hair alone demands you laugh at him. This is the same fruit basket who crooned the awesomely bad song that plays over the end credits of COMMANDO. Thanks for that, Michael. Anyway, Des Barres tries to sacrifice a baby, one of his followers stops him, and Jack Nance (ERASERHEAD) shows up to take the baby to safety.

Twenty years and one Jack Nance narration later, we’re back at the same estate where the limp opening sequence happened. College student Jonathan Graves (who looks like the offspring of Kyle MacLachlan and Eric Roberts) learns he has inherited the estate and is somehow going to manage this property while having no income and an ugly girlfriend. Jonathan wants to learn about his family’s shady past, so he cleans the house repeatedly, always stumbling upon devil-worshipping relics that never seem to freak him out. In fact, he instead pulls a Jack Torrance and starts getting obsessive about his roots, so much so that he starts dressing up in the same robes as Michael Des Barres and actually gets caught “ritual-ing with himself” by his girlfriend. It’s one of the best “I’m not doing anything” moments in film history. Eventually the couple’s annoying friends come over and they party like it’s 1985, thus providing the movie with a much needed body count. Jonathan, who is way the fuck out on possessed street by this point, summons the ghoulies to pick off the characters ultimately so Michael Des Barres can come back to life and prove he can maintain his blonde, feathered hair while his face resembles one of the zombies from THRILLER.

There are many things that piss me off about GHOULIES. The effects are bad, the story is weak-sauce, the characters are unbearable, and not a whole helluva lot makes sense. Unlike the far superior efforts of GREMLINS and CRITTERS, this one really doesn’t revolve around the film’s title characters. The creatures are very much an afterthought that pop-up once in awhile to mug at the camera or bite someone’s face. The movie is more about Jonathan Graves becoming possessed, learning silly rituals and killing off his friends—which is ultimately really boring. I shit you not, at one point the douche summons two midgets straight off the set of WILLOW who then run around the rest of the film doing absolutely nothing.

FX man and director John Carl Buechler created the ghoulies, and he really shit the bed on their design and execution. This is the man who’s only real good work was creating the look of Jason Voorhees in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VII: THE NEW BLOOD. The puppets are uninspired and provide some of the best unintentional laughs in the movie as they try to move about and attack characters. I don’t know if there’s anything funnier than seeing a puppet fly across a shot and start biting an actor’s face.

Speaking of the actors, besides Michael Des Barres and Jack Nance, fans of LAW & ORDER SVU might recognize Mariska Hargitay in the role of “Donna”… and fans of the POLICE ACADEMY films will most definitely notice Sgt. Chad Copeland (Scott Thomsen) playing an unfunny stoner here who may or may not be queer for his best friend. I read that Jeffrey Combs of RE-ANIMATOR fame auditioned for the lead. Could that casting have saved this film? Absolutely not, but it might have made the proceedings more interesting.

GHOULIES is a solid gold 1980’s turd. This is a movie that ends on a freeze-frame. You might enjoy this more with copious amounts of stimulants and a sizeable group of friends to help endure its running time. I have a bit of a guilty love for it because remember seeing it as a wee lad and kinda liking it. GHOULIES has somehow spawned three sequels. This particular copy I watched was coupled on an MGM DVD with part 2--which is a far better film in my opinion.I understand that the ghoulies go to college in part 3... and they TALK! Pass the bong.

GHOULIES: 3 out of 10

More movies, more writing: 1/14/10

I love movies. I also love breasts. I probably love movies (and breasts) more so than the average person, hence the birth of this blog. Sometimes I get too caught up in the grind of day-to-day life/work to where I don't get to watch as much as I want or should. While there are always resolutions about losing weight and quitting bad habits at the start of a new year, I have made it a goal for 2010 to watch more movies and spend more time writing about them. I took this idea from an online critic whom I admire, and used it as an excuse to just motivate myself to WRITE on a daily basis.

This is not a blog about breasts


THE WACKNESS (Blu Ray, 2008)



When asked about women, the old dude from THE WEDDING SINGER said, “they rip your heart out of your ass.” While that’s a completely awesome statement on many levels, at its heart, it’s kinda true. Ladies, how about for the sake of this review we take the above statement and apply it to dudes as well so we can all play along. Cool?

I just got watching a film called THE WACKNESS, and though there are many layers to the film, one message that the film beautifully drives home is that we all get our hearts broken at one time or another. It’s a rite of passage that helps shape the men and women we eventually become. If you say you haven’t experienced this you’re either completely socially retarded, evil, or a fucking liar.

I imagine a lot of people my age would dig on this movie because it’s set in 1994. For me, ’94 was my first year of high school. I smoked weed for the first time, discovered cooler music than what was fed to us on the radio, and dropped the video game controller to chase women. In THE WACKNESS, Luke Shapiro is a pot dealer with no friends. He isn’t a loser, or an outcast, he’s just that guy only called upon you call when someone wants weed. Shapiro is graduating from high school in New York City, and trying to figure out what the next step is. Dr. Jeffrey Squires, a psychiatrist played by Ben Kingsley is one of Shapiro’s biggest customers. But their exchanges are unique because instead of money, Shapiro gives Squires pot in exchange for therapy. Out of these sessions, the two form an unlikely friendship, further complicated when Shapiro ends up falling in love with the therapist’s stepdaughter.

All Shapiro wants is some companionship, and when Squires’ daughter Stephanie (played by the lovely Olivia Thirlby—JUNO’S best friend), begins to give him that by showing an interest in what he does for a living, the two click and begin a sort of summer of love thing. Meanwhile, Squires is in a dead marriage that he’s too frightened to leave, with a wife who’s just as medicated as he is. Squires looks to Shapiro as his way to relive his wasted youth and take the young buck under his wing. What’s hilarious is neither character is qualified to be giving any life advice to one another, but the do and in their own strange way end up helping each other more than they could have imagined. One of my favorite moments between the characters is when they exchange “mix tapes” of music from their generations. I know I’m guilty of making dozens of these for friends and girls I was crushing on. Watching Ben Kingsley discover Biggie Smalls is worth the price of admission alone.

That’s another thing, you all are going to flip when you hear some of the 1994 tracks on display here. Everything from Tribe Called Quest to that fucking Bump and Grind song. I have to say I had to take a moment when I realized all of that music is from 15 years ago, and that time is actually considered “period piece” filmmaking now. I was very impressed with the soundtrack. One theme that sort of snails through the entire film is all of the characters talking about this Notorious B.I.G. guy who’s apparently going to revolutionize rap. Cool stuff.

I loved this movie. I really did. I’m a sucker for films that really speak to complex relationships, and complex characters who are all trying to figure out how to live life. Unfortunately, when these films roll along they’re usually bogged down or ruined by being too schmaltzy or cheesy or just plain obvious. Not the case with THE WACKNESS. Every frame in this film is sincere. All of the performances (especially by Josh Peck as Luke) are fantastic. You care about most of these people, and want them all to make it out on the other side unscathed. The film also strikes a perfect balance of being very funny, sad and sometimes touching. There’s drama at play, but it never gets too dramatic, and every once in awhile when it feels like the boat is going to tip, something happens that centers the film again and makes you smile. But as I mentioned above, this is definitely a film about heartbreak.

I hope you give this one a spin. It’s a gem of a movie that got lost in the shuffle during the summer of 2008. The assholes at Sony Pictures Classics released this around the same time as THE DARK KNIGHT. A shame really, because when you watch it you realize it probably could have found an audience. It isn’t too indie to put off the average moviegoer, and it’s guaranteed to make you jump on itunes and rediscover some old music that used to be part of your life. Enjoy.

THE WACKNESS: 9 out of 10

More movies, more writing: 1/13/10

I love movies. I also love breasts. I probably love movies (and breasts) more so than the average person, hence the birth of this blog. Sometimes I get too caught up in the grind of day-to-day life/work to where I don't get to watch as much as I want or should. While there are always resolutions about losing weight and quitting bad habits at the start of a new year, I have made it a goal for 2010 to watch more movies and spend more time writing about them. I took this idea from an online critic whom I admire, and used it as an excuse to just motivate myself to WRITE on a daily basis.

This is not a blog about breasts


THE HURT LOCKER (Blu Ray, 2009)



If Alfred Hitchcock directed a film about the Iraq War, it would probably resemble something like THE HURT LOCKER. I'm paying one of the highest compliments possible to director Kathryn Bigelow who has given us a knockout film. Hitchcock was the master of suspense, and Bigelow has made a film where every scene is an exercise in just that. I enjoyed the hell out of THE HURT LOCKER.

From what I've seen over the past six years, no one has made a decent movie about what's going on in the Middle East. I think part of that is we're so embroiled in it and subjected to countless daily headlines that no one wants to spend two hours in a theater with the war. Movies are an escape. Most of the films surrounding the war I've seen have been annoyingly political and strangely un-engaging (SEE: LIONS FOR LAMBS). There are a few I haven't seen, and I'm unimpressed with what I have.

That is, until I threw in THE HURT LOCKER.

The film centers around an elite U.S. bomb squad who's sole purpose in Iraq is to find and safely disable IED's left scattered around the country. Sergeant William James (Jeremy Renner) is the best of the best at what he does, and also a bit of a loose-cannon/adrenaline-junkie. The story focuses on two soldiers in James' squad who try and understand his unruly and sometimes psychotic behavior while trying to stay alive in one of the deadliest places on earth.

This is a straight-up smart action movie. This is not a political thriller, or another anti-war film for some Hollywood jerk-off to scream their opinions. This is entertainment at its best. Kathryn Bigelow has used the war as the film's backdrop, but this bad-boy is all about disarming bombs before they go off, and as you can imagine, it's intense as hell. I don't want to paint a false picture here though, there is wonderful character work at play here, and some powerful performances (especially Renner) that help elevate this from something like THE KINGDOM to a well-rounded action/war film.

As I mentioned at the top of this review, THE HURT LOCKER is as intense as they come. What you have here are scenes where you know at any moment a bomb could explode and take out characters you're rooting for. I was squirming through this whole movie waiting for the worst. Will they find the bomb? Will they disable the bomb? Will the bad guys detonate the bomb before they disable it? It sounds simple, and it is... but it's fucking perfect. It's masterful filmmaking.

While I usually laugh at quotes from critics on the DVD/Blu Ray boxes, I'll agree 100% with this one: THE HURT LOCKER is "a near-perfect movie". That's on the money. For me, I had some problems with the 3rd Act/climax of the movie. While it was very good, I thought they missed an opportunity to make it great. To say more would be to spoil, and I ain't in the spoilin' business (unless it's a Rob Zombie movie). Let me reiterate, not a lot of negative things to say.

The Oscar hype surrounding THE HURT LOCKER is well-deserved. Do I think it will win Best Picture? Nope. But for my money it was one of the most enjoyable films I saw all last year. I really hope Jeremy Renner gets recognized by the Academy because he was fantastic, and he really carries this movie as a very tormented, but good-willed character. I can't wait to see where this guy's career goes from here.

Interesting note: Bigelow is James Cameron's ex-wife. I'm guaranteeing both this and AVATAR will be up for Best Picture. And you know what? Bigelow made the better film. SEE THIS NOW.

THE HURT LOCKER: 9 out of 10

More movies, more writing: 1/12/10

I love movies. I also love breasts. I probably love movies (and breasts) more so than the average person, hence the birth of this blog. Sometimes I get too caught up in the grind of day-to-day life/work to where I don't get to watch as much as I want or should. While there are always resolutions about losing weight and quitting bad habits at the start of a new year, I have made it a goal for 2010 to watch more movies and spend more time writing about them. I took this idea from an online critic whom I admire, and used it as an excuse to just motivate myself to WRITE on a daily basis.

This is not a blog about breasts.


ROB ZOMBIE'S HALLOWEEN II - THE DIRECTOR'S CUT (Blu Ray, 2009)



If you've had any social interaction with me since 2007, you probably are aware that I absolutely despise Rob Zombie's reboot of HALLOWEEN. It's a modern day fucking tragedy of filmmaking. When people say they "hated" a movie, sometimes it's just an easy adjective to attach to a bad movie, but I truly HATE RZ's HALLOWEEN from the depths of my rotten core. With that being said, I had a hearty laugh when I discovered Robert Z was bringing us a sequel to his coat-hangar abortion. You see, the man LOVES to contradict himself in interviews about generally everything. So naturally when he put his doc martin down and proclaimed he would NEVER revisit the HALLOWEEN franchise after disgracing it with his effort (turd)--that was most likely the very moment he signed the dotted line for a second one.

I saw HALLOWEEN II in theaters, and I "kinda" liked it. I'll never forget it because a giant black dude almost killed me and two of my best buds because we would not stop laughing and commenting while watching it. To quote the great Joss Whedon: There is a special place in hell for people who talk during movies. I agree with that in MOST cases, but here you had a case where the ENTIRE audience had turned on this film by the half-hour mark. We were just trying to salvage a fun experience by lending it commentary. Needless to say the giant black dude did not hurt me, even when I sassed him like the dumb white boy I am. Sorry dude!

So anyway, you read that right, I "kinda" liked it when I saw it in the theater back in August. It was brutally violent, weird enough to keep my attention, and I just felt like anything after the first movie was an improvement. Believe me, I was more surprised than anyone at my reaction.

Then the DIRECTOR'S CUT came along...

HALLOWEEN II picks up on the same night as previous film. If you're reading this I'm just going to assume you saw the first shit-fest, so beware of spoilers. Laurie Strode has just shot Michael Myers point-blank in the face and is now wandering the streets aimlessly, covered in blood and shit, holding a gun. The cops swarm the crime scene and eventually pick Laurie up and send her broken ass to the hospital, Meanwhile, two EMT's are transporting Michael's behemoth body to the coroner's office when they... hit a cow. No shit. Michael pops out of the back of the ambulance, kills the one EMT that didn't get killed by the cow-crash, then disappears into the woods. FLASH-FORWARD 2 years: Laurie is all sorts of fucked up in the head. As she tries to keep it together and gain some closure on her violent past, Halloween rolls around and Michael returns.

Let me point out the few things I liked before dropping a dump on it. Zombie shot the movie in 16mm which gives it a very gritty, real look to it. I dug it. The violence is abundant and is definitely not for the squeamish. This is a mean motherfucking movie, and no one is safe here. I liked how bleak it was.

Everything else blows.

The biggest problems at play in Rob Zombie movies is ROB ZOMBIE. While the theatrical cut of this movie was palpable, his Director's Cut is overlong and filled with extra bullshit scenes filled with bullshit dialogue that just bog the entire movie down. The guy can barely direct a coherent story. He is very much a "visuals" man. He thinks every movie should be shot like a White Zombie video and it just doesn't work. HALLOWEEN II is so damn disjointed and has no rhythm. This time around Zombie injects a ton of "dream sequences" and "visions" (starring his ever-annoying wife) shared by Laurie Strode and her big brother, Michael Myers. Most of it could be chalked up to stuff left on the cutting room floor from the "Living Dead Girl" video circa 1999.

The other problem that plagues all of his films (especially HALLOWEEN) is the writing. Zombie is a fucking horrid writer, and he never gives any characters anything interesting or well-crafted to say. It all feels so forced and so damn fake. In HALLOWEEN II he's trying to write for at least four prominent female characters and he just falls flat on his face. Not a single sentence uttered rings true. In fact it sounds like something high schooler would scribble. I think the man would be more successful if he just stayed behind the camera and directed stories written by talented people with good ideas.

Scout Taylor-Compton. Ever heard of her? Probably not. She plays the lead heroine in the reboot HALLOWEEN movies. Jamie Lee Curtis filled the shoes back in 1978, and instead of this time around casting a strong, smart female lead... we get Scout Taylor-Compton. She's horrible on almost every conceivable level. Not only does she fail with Zombie's dialogue (which I guess isn't all her fault), but she doesn't have the range to pull off the emotional state her character is supposed to locked in. Everything she does with her performance is obvious. The filmmakers and Scout felt the best way to portray a broken-down woman who survived a horrific event in her life should just cry a lot and say things like "you don't know what I'm going through!" There's no subtlety to anything she does. Have you ever just wanted to hit someone in the mouth who's drunk and crying a lot while trying to talk at the same time? That's all she does in this and she should be hit in the mouth for it. Fuck.

I love horror movies, and John Carpenter's original HALLOWEEN is one of my favorite films of all time. I'm particularly very fond of the character of Michael Myers. I have always loved that he's this masked specter who sort of materializes out of the darkness to kill people on my favorite holiday. Zombie vision has destroyed the character in his films and has reduced Myers to a giant, bearded bum who slogs around and kills people in strip clubs. While I thought some of the violence was disturbingly real and well shot, it just got fucking boring after the first hour and had absolutely ZERO intensity to the proceedings.

This is a bad movie that I wold not recommend to anyone unless you're a HALLOWEEN completist and you have to see every movie in the franchise. One thing I chose not to talk about in this review is the "new", original ending that's tacked-on to this director's cut. It's ridiculous and offensive to fans. I'm ecstatic that Zombie is officially off the series, and an inevitable third film will be helmed by someone else-hopefully someone talented.

BTW: The REAL HALLOWEEN II came out in 1981 and stars Jamie Lee Curtis and the dude from THE LAST STARFIGHTER. I shit you not.

HALLOWEEN II: 4 out of 10

More movies, more writing: 1/11/10

I love movies. I also love breasts. I probably love movies (and breasts) more so than the average person, hence the birth of this blog. Sometimes I get too caught up in the grind of day-to-day life/work to where I don't get to watch as much as I want or should. While there are always resolutions about losing weight and quitting bad habits at the start of a new year, I have made it a goal for 2010 to watch more movies and spend more time writing about them. I took this idea from an online critic whom I admire, and used it as an excuse to just motivate myself to WRITE on a daily basis.

This is not a blog about breasts.


BRICK (Netflix streaming, 2005)



Why it has taken me nearly five years to see this movie is re-dunc-u-lous. I actually went in reverse and checked out Rian Johnson's second film, THE BROTHERS BLOOM yesterday, then hit up this debut. While I liked BLOOM more and overall find it to be a way more accessible and re-watchable film than this one, BRICK is super a impressive first outing for a talented director.

Here's the story: High schooler Brendan Frye can't find his ex-girlfriend. The last he heard from her was a frantic phone call where she told him she was in trouble. Brendan sets out like a smart-talking gumshoe from a 1940's flick and infiltrates a criminal underground trying to unravel the mystery surrounding her disappearance. Oh yeah, and every character in the film talks like an old Hollywood gangster picture.

If you're unfamiliar with the hard-boiled, crime/detective noir films of days past, then BRICK is going to severely fucking puzzle you. Here's one example of an exchange between characters who are in HIGH SCHOOL mind you:

Brendan Frye: Your muscle seemed plenty cool putting his fist in my head. I want him out.
The Pin: Looky, soldier...
Brendan Frye: The ape blows or I clam.

The film has its own language, and it's charming as all hell. I can imagine A LOT of casual moviegoers being put off by the dialogue, because it really requires you to pay attention and decipher the lingo. I loved it. I just found the entire concept brilliant. You have a regular, modern, boring-as-hell high school as a backdrop for a highly-engaging murder mystery filled with dames, goons and enough twists to leave you spinning. At first I was just kind of mystified by the whole idea and found myself laughing at how awesome the marriage between film noir and high school was; but where BRICK succeeds is the story was so engaging and interesting, that I got past the "gimmick" and was swept away by the drama and the characters.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a talented dude. Anyone see his dance number while hosting on SNL? I always saw him as the girly-haired alien from 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN, and the little douche who gets a hockey skate rammed into his face by Michael Myers in H20, but no longer. After this and 500 DAYS OF SUMMER, I'm onboard for the rest of this dude's career. What's also weird is he looks a lot like Heath Ledger (both of them starred in 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU), and he's in Christopher (THE DARK KNIGHT) Nolan's new film INCEPTION. Hey, I'm jut saying... the Joker didn't die at the end...

Anyway, check out BRICK, and be warned this is a unique moviegoing experience. My only criticism is sometimes the bad-boy is a bit hard to follow along with, and if you miss something, you're quickly lost. If you lend yourself over to what the filmmakers are trying to do, I think you'll dig it.

BRICK: 7 out of 10

More movies, more writing: 1/10/10

I love movies. I also love breasts. I probably love movies (and breasts) more so than the average person, hence the birth of this blog. Sometimes I get too caught up in the grind of day-to-day life/work to where I don't get to watch as much as I want or should. While there are always resolutions about losing weight and quitting bad habits at the start of a new year, I have made it a goal for 2010 to watch more movies and spend more time writing about them. I took this idea from an online critic whom I admire, and used it as an excuse to just motivate myself to WRITE on a daily basis.

This is not a blog about breasts.


UP IN THE AIR (theatrical, 2009)



In what is being dubbed "the movie of the moment", and next to AVATAR the most-hyped flick out there right now, I had my reservations in seeing UP IN THE AIR. I don't mind hype. I like when people get excited about movies, and sometimes there's a reason why a certain film just becomes transcendent both with critics and audiences... because the film actually good. I have seen the opposite for high-profile movies (A BEAUTIFUL MIND comes to... mind), where hype was just hype, but in this case the film backs it up.

UP IN THE AIR is rooted in a very tragic situation plaguing our country right now: a fucked economy putting good, hard-working people out of work. George Clooney plays Ryan Bingham, a dude who's entire life is flying around the country telling people their fired... because their companies are too pussy to do the dirty work. Clooney's character is an island of a man who embraces the lifestyle of always being on the road/air and never having a true place to call home, or a single meaningful relationship to speak of. When his way of life is threatened by an up and coming hot-shot in his company, while simultaneously meeting a female who might be his perfect fit, he begins to revaluate his existence.

Director Jason Reitman is three-for-three. I loved THANK YOU FOR SMOKING and JUNO. UP IN THE AIR rounds out a trio of wonderful films that all share fantastic scripts, powerful performances, and stylish directing. What I really like about Reitman is the dude is a kinetic director, with a definite style and confidence in his direction, but it never gets in the way of the stories. This is his most subdued effort of the three, and given the subject matter, I thought Reitman really nailed the tone visually. He's like a decaffeinated Edgar Wright.

As I mentioned above, the performances here are all great. Clooney shines as usual, Vera Farmiga stepped up to the plate as Clooney's love interest and foil (surprised because I HATED her in THE DEPARTED). I've never seen actress Anna Kendrick before this. My girlfriend tells me she's in the TWILIGHT abortions. Judging just by her performance in this, I would say I'll be interested in what she shows up in next. To top it all off, I got to see a handful of some of my favorite actors working today show up in minor roles throughout: J.K Simmons, Sam Elliott, Jason Bateman, Danny McBride and Zach Galifianakis. Awesome. Also be looking for a cameo by YOUNG M.C. ... I shit you not.

UP IN THE AIR is certainly one of the best films of the year. I was touched by the story, even holding back the tears in some of the scenes involving real people losing their jobs. I guess a lot of the film's power comes in the form of speaking to what our country is going through right now. I know people who lost their jobs over the past two years... people who are close to me and who are still out of work. UP IN THE AIR is a swan song of sorts to those people, and it's a heartbreaking and beautiful tune.

UP IN THE AIR: 9 out of 10


THE COVE (dvd, 2009)



Brutal and heart-wrenching. I learned about THE COVE months ago, but have been avoiding putting myself through the viewing experience. If you're unaware (and most people are), there is a lagoon on the coast of Japan in a town called Taijii where a horror against nature takes place unbeknownst to the major population. In a cove blocked off by cliffs and barbed wire fences, Taijii fisherman lure wild dolphins inland to be captured and sent across the world for captivity. Dolphin trade is a multi-billion dollar business. The unbelievable horror here is the thousands of dolphins that aren't selected for captivity are slaughtered, and their mercury-laden meat sold into the general population for unhealthy consumption. This film revolves around a man named Ric O' Barry, who used to train the dolphins on the show FLIPPER. He has since devoted his entire life to freeing dolphins from captivity. When Ric catches wind of Taijii's dirty secrets, he enlists a group of activists to infiltrate the cove and expose the horror to the world.

This is a documentary that pretty much had my jaw on the floor and my eyes filled with tears for its entire duration. Besides dolphins generally being lovable and awesome, the film really dives into the science behind the animals and poses theories that the species may be more intelligent than man, making the mass slaughters that much harder to stomach when you realize how self-aware these animals are. I loved the group of people who set up the operation to infiltrate the cove, and found myself on the edge of my seat at some of the stuff that went into the operation of exposing the dolphin killings. This is exactly what a documentary should be: engaging, emotional, educational and evocative. Not for the squeamish, but damn important for everyone to see.

NOTE: I have decided if I ever procreate, we're not going to Sea World.

THE COVE: 10 out of 10


THE BROTHERS BLOOM (Blu Ray, 2009)



I never want to see movies about con men or thieves who pull off heists for some reason. I can't tell you exactly why that is. What's even weirder is I usually end up being very fond of all of the movies in that genre. Loved the original Sinatra version of OCEAN'S 11, then Soderbergh's OCEAN'S ELEVEN, loved CONFIDENCE, obviously adored RESERVOIR DOGS and probably my favorite of all: BOTTLE ROCKET. Now we have THE BROTHERS BLOOM, and back when I saw the trailers I just immediately muttered "pass" as it played out (which I still think is limp compared to the film it was advertising). I'm happy to report I really enjoyed THE BROTHERS BLOOM, and really have nothing but good things to say about it.

Adrien Brody and the always-awesome Mark Ruffalo play Bloom and Stephen; two brothers who figured out at a very young age that conning people was their calling in life. Bloom (Brody) has grown weary of the life and wants out, and Stephen (Ruffalo) can't get enough of it and wants to pull one more big job with his bro before letting him go for good. Joined by their explosives expert Bang Bang (Rinko Kikuchi), the three target a lonely, eccentric millionaire played by Rachel Weisz, and quickly their con goes to shit as Bloom falls for their mark.

Director Rian Johnson arrived on the scene back in 2005 with BRICK. I did not see BRICK, but heard a lot of good things about it. His sophomore effort here is fantastic, and the film looks so damn polished and tight you would think the guy has been doing this for years. Talented. He also wrote the script which is very funny, full of twists and surprisingly touching. The cast is perfect and I completely fell in love with Rachel Weisz who while undeniably talented, has been in a lot of shit movies (SEE: THE MUMMY RETURNS, DEFINITELY MAYBE and CONSTANTINE... wait, don't). I thought Brody was great (who's also pretty hit and miss), and Ruffalo is the cherry on top. My only complaint is there's not enough Ruffalo here. I just felt his character needed a few more scenes to really round out his arc.

I can't wait to see this again. Will be purchasing soon.

THE BROTHERS BLOOM: 8 out of 10


EXTRACT (Blu Ray, 2009)



What the fuck happened to Mike Judge? I feel like a dick giving the guy shit because he's obviously talented and is responsible for one of the best comedies of all-time... OFFICE SPACE, but the dude has been asleep at the wheel ever since. I watched part of his last film, IDIOCRACY (2006), but just didn't find it funny. So while the man's been busy cracking away and finding continued success on television, his movie track record stinks. EXTRACT does nothing to change that.

Let me get this out of the way: I didn't hate this movie. In fact, it kept my attention for its duration which is more than I can say for the heaps of other shitty movies I subject myself to. My problem with EXTRACT is it just never reaches its potential as a comedy. While I didn't get annoyed enough to shut it off, and generally wanted to see how it would play out, I still was pretty disappointed at how much I WASN'T laughing during this movie.

EXTRACT is about Joel (Jason Bateman) who owns an extract factory mass-producing a product he invented in college. Besides driving a bitching BMW 7 series, he leads a fairly normal life where he goes home every day to his work-from-home wife (Kristen Wiig), and blows off steam with his barkeep buddy Dean (Ben Affleck). Joel is frustrated because his wife rarely fucks him, and he's looking to get bought-out by a huge company like General Mills so he can retire. One day there's an accident on the factory floor where an employee almost loses both of his nuts (we're told one is barely hanging on). The injured employee chooses to sue and bankrupt the company after a con-woman (Mila Kunis) shows up in town who wants to cash-in on his accident (unbeknownst to him or any one else of course). Meanwhile, Joel wants to fuck Mila Kunis' character and ends up hiring a male gigolo to fuck his own wife so he won't feel so bad about it.

So, a nice whacky setup which never really pays off. The main problem here is I don't really give a fuck about the character of Joel nor anyone else in the piece. On top of that... the proceedings just aren't as funny as they should be. The stuff that works best are Joel's interactions with Affleck's character and the male gigolo. The always-radical J.K. Simmons plays Joel's right-hand man at the plant and gets a few laughs by referring to all of the employees as "dinkus". Hands-down, the best idea in the movie and performance as well belongs to David Koechner (the annoying asshole who plays the sportscaster in RON BURGUNDY). Koechner plays Joel's neighbor (and we've all known this guy) who constantly ambushes him at the worst of times to talk about stupid shit... and he never shuts up. All of those scenes worked really well and had me chuckling at how spot-on the character was. Other than that, the movie just kind of slowly rolls forward before it sputters to a stop with nothing really interesting to show for.

Here's what the movie does right: the cast. Admittedly I would watch a feature length film where Jason Bateman eats a sandwich, so when he's the lead of a new comedy directed by the guy who gave us OFFICE SPACE, I'm peeping it regardless of what the word of mouth is. Bateman has a few genuine moments, but he's done way better. Besides Michael Bluth, we get J.K. Simmons, who could join Bateman in the sandwich-eating movie, and an almost unrecognizable Ben Affleck who manages to not stink anything up and actually has a few charming moments. Koechner is the ace in the hole though. He shines.

Sadly, I don't think we'll ever get another film from Judge on par with OFFICE SPACE. His debut was just too damn good. I think I will always hold out hope for it, and I honestly felt after seeing the trailers for EXTRACT that he might be back in form. Sadly, this concoction is missing more than just (FINISH SENTENCE WITH 'EXTRACT' PUN). Sigh.

EXTRACT: 5 out of 10


THE TEN (Netflix streaming, 2007)



The ensemble from THE STATE and WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER return for another film. You get Oliver Platt as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Winona Ryder fucks a ventriloquist dummy. It's gold. See it.