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ROB ZOMBIE'S HALLOWEEN II - THE DIRECTOR'S CUT (Blu Ray, 2009)
If you've had any social interaction with me since 2007, you probably are aware that I absolutely despise Rob Zombie's reboot of HALLOWEEN. It's a modern day fucking tragedy of filmmaking. When people say they "hated" a movie, sometimes it's just an easy adjective to attach to a bad movie, but I truly HATE RZ's HALLOWEEN from the depths of my rotten core. With that being said, I had a hearty laugh when I discovered Robert Z was bringing us a sequel to his coat-hangar abortion. You see, the man LOVES to contradict himself in interviews about generally everything. So naturally when he put his doc martin down and proclaimed he would NEVER revisit the HALLOWEEN franchise after disgracing it with his effort (turd)--that was most likely the very moment he signed the dotted line for a second one.
I saw HALLOWEEN II in theaters, and I "kinda" liked it. I'll never forget it because a giant black dude almost killed me and two of my best buds because we would not stop laughing and commenting while watching it. To quote the great Joss Whedon: There is a special place in hell for people who talk during movies. I agree with that in MOST cases, but here you had a case where the ENTIRE audience had turned on this film by the half-hour mark. We were just trying to salvage a fun experience by lending it commentary. Needless to say the giant black dude did not hurt me, even when I sassed him like the dumb white boy I am. Sorry dude!
So anyway, you read that right, I "kinda" liked it when I saw it in the theater back in August. It was brutally violent, weird enough to keep my attention, and I just felt like anything after the first movie was an improvement. Believe me, I was more surprised than anyone at my reaction.
Then the DIRECTOR'S CUT came along...
HALLOWEEN II picks up on the same night as previous film. If you're reading this I'm just going to assume you saw the first shit-fest, so beware of spoilers. Laurie Strode has just shot Michael Myers point-blank in the face and is now wandering the streets aimlessly, covered in blood and shit, holding a gun. The cops swarm the crime scene and eventually pick Laurie up and send her broken ass to the hospital, Meanwhile, two EMT's are transporting Michael's behemoth body to the coroner's office when they... hit a cow. No shit. Michael pops out of the back of the ambulance, kills the one EMT that didn't get killed by the cow-crash, then disappears into the woods. FLASH-FORWARD 2 years: Laurie is all sorts of fucked up in the head. As she tries to keep it together and gain some closure on her violent past, Halloween rolls around and Michael returns.
Let me point out the few things I liked before dropping a dump on it. Zombie shot the movie in 16mm which gives it a very gritty, real look to it. I dug it. The violence is abundant and is definitely not for the squeamish. This is a mean motherfucking movie, and no one is safe here. I liked how bleak it was.
Everything else blows.
The biggest problems at play in Rob Zombie movies is ROB ZOMBIE. While the theatrical cut of this movie was palpable, his Director's Cut is overlong and filled with extra bullshit scenes filled with bullshit dialogue that just bog the entire movie down. The guy can barely direct a coherent story. He is very much a "visuals" man. He thinks every movie should be shot like a White Zombie video and it just doesn't work. HALLOWEEN II is so damn disjointed and has no rhythm. This time around Zombie injects a ton of "dream sequences" and "visions" (starring his ever-annoying wife) shared by Laurie Strode and her big brother, Michael Myers. Most of it could be chalked up to stuff left on the cutting room floor from the "Living Dead Girl" video circa 1999.
The other problem that plagues all of his films (especially HALLOWEEN) is the writing. Zombie is a fucking horrid writer, and he never gives any characters anything interesting or well-crafted to say. It all feels so forced and so damn fake. In HALLOWEEN II he's trying to write for at least four prominent female characters and he just falls flat on his face. Not a single sentence uttered rings true. In fact it sounds like something high schooler would scribble. I think the man would be more successful if he just stayed behind the camera and directed stories written by talented people with good ideas.
Scout Taylor-Compton. Ever heard of her? Probably not. She plays the lead heroine in the reboot HALLOWEEN movies. Jamie Lee Curtis filled the shoes back in 1978, and instead of this time around casting a strong, smart female lead... we get Scout Taylor-Compton. She's horrible on almost every conceivable level. Not only does she fail with Zombie's dialogue (which I guess isn't all her fault), but she doesn't have the range to pull off the emotional state her character is supposed to locked in. Everything she does with her performance is obvious. The filmmakers and Scout felt the best way to portray a broken-down woman who survived a horrific event in her life should just cry a lot and say things like "you don't know what I'm going through!" There's no subtlety to anything she does. Have you ever just wanted to hit someone in the mouth who's drunk and crying a lot while trying to talk at the same time? That's all she does in this and she should be hit in the mouth for it. Fuck.
I love horror movies, and John Carpenter's original HALLOWEEN is one of my favorite films of all time. I'm particularly very fond of the character of Michael Myers. I have always loved that he's this masked specter who sort of materializes out of the darkness to kill people on my favorite holiday. Zombie vision has destroyed the character in his films and has reduced Myers to a giant, bearded bum who slogs around and kills people in strip clubs. While I thought some of the violence was disturbingly real and well shot, it just got fucking boring after the first hour and had absolutely ZERO intensity to the proceedings.
This is a bad movie that I wold not recommend to anyone unless you're a HALLOWEEN completist and you have to see every movie in the franchise. One thing I chose not to talk about in this review is the "new", original ending that's tacked-on to this director's cut. It's ridiculous and offensive to fans. I'm ecstatic that Zombie is officially off the series, and an inevitable third film will be helmed by someone else-hopefully someone talented.
BTW: The REAL HALLOWEEN II came out in 1981 and stars Jamie Lee Curtis and the dude from THE LAST STARFIGHTER. I shit you not.
HALLOWEEN II: 4 out of 10
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